emily-rose

why does it feel like im running away?

I haven’t been in this place for awhile. This ditch, where no one intends to follow. I have my reasons. What lead me here is not what keeps me here. Where i was is not where i want to be anymore. Have i changed? Have I grown? Or have i lost myself in duty? Look at the big picture they say. Stick it out to the end they try to convince me. I want to believe it will be worth it, and that it will work out. But there is an unsettling and consuming fear that my decision weighs something i am not ready to bear. If i stay, if i take a step, i run the risk of loss. A loss that ultimately may define my becoming.

I love alot of things. I loved this for a long time. 

Right now, i search and dig and beg to find it again. But either it has exited or it is hiding from me.  What I have now seems unfulfilling, and everything in me is partial to an escape. I know what i should do, and i know what i need. But i have this familiar ache that prevents me from my easily recognisable answer.

I’m just tired, and I think I’m losing hope.

The years have aged my hope. It’s a shame i didn’t notice the frays. The hardest part is that i have been here before, and i feel in contempt with myself for retracing my steps. But time is not on my side as it used to be. I feel like my years have been stolen by the unexpected. My hurts on a loop that orbits around my everyday. It feels the same as it did when i was 19, except im older and i don’t want to live here anymore. and healing feels more like weakness than progress.

I need to find my purpose again, i don’t want to feel lost anymore. i don’t want decisions to break me down. i don’t want to live second guessing decisions that i can’t change even if they have changed me.

I want to choose my health. i want to let myself by found again. 

But it means i have to slow the pace and stop running.

I just don’t know if I can.

when its dry, things get hard

as in they get stale, they lose life

firewood becomes the new default

indestructible, destroying everything

in its path

with little mercy

then rain like flood

something you asked for so long

yet you never realised how unprepared you were,

you begin to unask, retreat

things become too real, too soon

you cant control it. but God doesn’t give us the rain in snippets

he gives it powerfully, unapologetically and passionately

because we weren’t ever meant to be in control

it’s better in the rain than the drought

I know that much.

what if we really grasped that God doesn’t just give us the answer, isn’t just present for the end, doesn’t care about the reward… but that He provides us with EVERYTHING we need, He walks alongside us, only cares about the heart….

what if we’re so focused on the end result that we confine God and everything He wants to do along the way and beyond what we think is the ‘goal’. 

idk just thinking some thoughts

this is me, giving you, a way out

-please take the way out.

I’m just so tired of second guessing.

I never thought I’d like you this much

I keep hoping it’s just an idea

but you’re an enigma

I cant take my eyes off you

and I don’t want to

just tell me I’m not bothering in you

give me a reason to stay

-

and now you’re leaving

and you act like it’s nothing.

like things will stay the same 

but they can’t, surely you know that

yet you’re giving me hope, hope that i cannot afford

and you’ll be gone soon

and you’ll forget me soon

but i don’t have the strength to tell you to leave

i wish i was strong enough to say goodbye

-

now she comes crawling back

telling you shes moving closer

messaging you everyday, you say it’s nothing

calling you twice day, you say its nothing

you say you have boundaries

but I’m beginning to think

those boundaries are with me

maybe I should’ve been clearer about what I wanted

but I just wish you would’ve been too.

just rip the bandaid, leave me stranded

I’ll find my way home

and I won’t look back,

surely that’s better than how I feel right now

anything is.

I’m finding it hard to write lately, and it honestly breaks my heart the words don’t seem to flow, not like they used to. maybe I’m not trying hard enough, but I remember the feeling of them falling out of my mouth like word vomit and somehow stringing together to create a reflection of my heart and mind. maybe I’ve made it too much about myself. I’m in partnership with Him, writing for His glory yet my mind is void of melody.